Par fora

[Degman]

Failed Space Marine legion-names:

Bright Angels
Emperor's Grandchildren
Rabid Wolves
Blood Donators
Iron Feet
Plant Eaters
Super marines
Mental Legion
Life Guard
999 Sons
Microsoft Word Bearers
Beta Legion
Heavy Metal Warriors
Constructors
Black Panthers
Storm Midgets
Nice Weather Lords
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Uses for a Lasgun

Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V. channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.
Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants
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Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:

Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
A remote controlled Necron
A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth
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What the Emperor's thinking:

"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

"Why can't they hook up a Playstation 40,000 in here?"

"Damn, my foot's asleep again."

"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."
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Battlecry of the Word Bearers:
"How much word could a word bearer bear if a word bearer could bear words?"

Death Guard Motto:
"A sickness a day keeps the Imperials away, and death at bay, or so they say."

Now showing in movie theatres in the Eye of Terror, the award-winning documentary/horror/action-movie: "Children of the Khorne"



Iron Warriors at the beach:
- My sandcastle is bigger than yours!
- No it isn't!
- Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile lauchers!
- Well mine's got that aswell, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!
- Your lascannons aren't placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You'd have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the sea-shell , while your terminators got into position over by that piece of seaweed. And barbed wire placed over there isn't gonna slow the enemy down! Youve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the dead starfish, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that crab over there assaulted this wall? I'd suggest a squad of...

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"CHARGE!!!"
"Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"
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Space Marine Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not make fun of other chapters names.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. .Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
20. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
21. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
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An Imperial Guardsmen's Ten Commandments

1. Thou shall not take sick leave while having Sisters Of Battle In the next Camp.
2. Thou shall not cut his or her hair with bayonet.
3. Thou shall not put graffiti on Space Marine's equipment.
4. Thou shall not replace a Space Marines bolter with a las-gun.
5. Thou shall not use a grenades pin as an earring.
6. Thou shall not experiment with frag grenades.
7.Thou shall not play with flamers.

Uses for an Imperial Guardsman's Bayonet

A dandy can opener
cutting your vegetables
mugging the guys in the camp next to you
prop swords
pantsing your commander
looking like a thug
fighting grots (still may not work)
a reflective surface for signalling
shaving (use whipped cream from rations with it)
quick and easy haircuts
a belt buckle
commiting suicide (might work if you try hard enough)
gardening
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Tyranids:

1) Thou shalt not look up when it rains.

2) Thou shall not drown in one's saliva.

3) Thou shalt not hit the Zoanthrope's Head while it sleeps.

4) Thou shalt not play tag with spores.

5) Thous shalt not make references to Godzilla.

6) Thou shall not eat rippers, they are not morsale.

7) Thou shall not cling to Hive Tyrant for protection and claim thee is a bio-morph.

8) Thou shalt not spring up infront of bullet to block it during shoo the big one's for thou shall surely die and will not stopith thee bullet.

9) Thou shall respect thy Hive mind.

10) Thou shall not play pigeon shooting by loading thy friend ripper inot a gun and firing thy friend ripper at a spore launched by a biovore.

11) Thou shall not hiss and screech "KABOOM!" to see if thy spore mines flinch when scared, for thee shall surely go boom.

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Necrons:

1) Thou shall not download any viruses to prove how though thou is.

2) Thou shall not ride scarabs into battle like skate boards.

3) Thou shall not allow any object to press thy reboot button.

4) Thou shall not keep scarabs as pets.

5) Thou shall not ask thy nightbringer to read thee a bed time story.

6) Thy Crystal a top thee monolith is not a mirror for if thee looks into it thee shall surely FRY.

7) C3-PO is not thy brother.

8) Thou shall not request for thy entertainment a magic show by thy fellow wraith.

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Tau:

1) Thy pulse rifle shall not be any bigger then thee.

2) Thy guadian drone is not a hover chair.

3) When telling thy story of killing thee foe for thy wanted peace, thou shall turn off thy family drone before thy shout..., "FIRE! said our commander."

4) Thou shall not build remote controls and wire thy remotes frequency to control thy commanders drone.

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Space Marines

1) Thou shall not make references to smurfs when thy fellow Ultramarine is by.

2) Thy Librarian Hath better things to do then read thee a bedtime story.

3) When thy encounter Sisters thou shall not surrende to be thy sister's P.O.W. for thou disgraceth thee self and thy squadron if thee does.

4) Thou shall not invite thy Space Wolve's squadron to thy banquet of victory for thou shall if thee does see true savageness.

5) Thou shall not lead thy brother Blood Angel to thy donation center for blood!
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39 ways to tell if you play too much 40K:

1.You frequently shout WAAAAGH!!! out the window of your car (going slightly over the speed limit)...

2.You have a car that is full of holes, and fifty rhinos that aren't.

3.You call people who play WFB deviants.

4.If you call people heretics on a daily basis...

5.If your car is painted to match your chapter markings, and has a las-cannon mounted on top.

5.If you commonly refer to Skaters as Eldar, and you think the Terminator is a 40k based movie...

6.If you have a c'tan opener in your kitchen.

7.upon seeing a vicious dog you fail your morale test and run away screaming

8.you paint your car red becuase you think it'll make it go faster

9.your best freind is an arco-flagellant

10.You've named your dogs Ferki and Gerki

11.You call spraying your home for roaches exterminatus.

12.You call breaking out the winter clothing bringing out the terminator armor.

13.Your friends ask to see your "little black book" and you bring out the 40k rulebook.

14.You don't know that the Smurfs really aren't the Ultramarines and Papa Smurf is not Marneus Calgar/Robute Guilliman.

15.Your dog Russ ran away and you don't want him to come back because you fear it will end the world.

16.Someone says "I'm allergic to spores" and you think "who isn't, those things explode!"

17.You can write a complete army list in abbreviations.

18.you make threats to people involving drop pods and certain red-armored marines...

19.to begin to refer to descisions you make in your every day life as "leadership checks, morale tests, and armor saves"

20.when someone refers to an angry nun you hit the deck because you think bolter shells will begin flying

21.you begin to reach for your bolt pistol only to realize that you dont own a bolt pistol (yet)

22.you get disgusted when you begin talking about the solders in your army and no one understands who you are talking about.

23.when some one yells "cockroach" you ask for a lazcannon. when one is not forth coming, you begin declareing "exterminatus" on the general viscinity of the "bug alert" because you realize that it is too late for these poor souls. they were probably infested already anyway.

24.you make crytic threats about the might of your leagions and that you will sick them on any one who ****es you off.

25.when some one asks what kind of car you have and you tell them that you own a baneblade

26.You're playing baseball, and roll dice to see whether you should miss the ball deliberately

27.You walk three meters, then stop , then walk three meters, then stop, etc.

28.You get repeatedly beaten up after calling Bike Gangs "Speed Freaks"

29.You get arrested because you started praying to Slaanesh on the bus in your own special way

30.you have more armies than friends

31.you carry dice in your pocket 'just in case...'

32.you can only afford to eat beans, but 'look at this cool new model I just bought'

33.you wonder why Alien wasn't sued for copyright infringement

34.your computer spellchecker automatically corrects 'Orc' to 'Ork'

35.When buying a computer you check for the Machine Cult seal of the Omnissiah, and upon discovering it is not there, rant and rave until they draw on a gear with a skull in the middle.

36.You get your football team to shout waagh after every huddle.

37.Your self portrait is in power armor.

38.You accidentally have your army list when grocery shopping.

39.Your credit card is maxed out at $40,000.


Lots and Lots of ways to annoy your opponent:
1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook (hours of fun).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that it’s his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says Warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent

1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
7. Dress in character.
8. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
9. Speak only in third person.
10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
12. Only roll one die at a time.
13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
22. Claim your miniatures are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved by Judge Dredd.
33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
38. Converts all wheeled models into lowriders. Including cannons and chariots.
39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
44. Write army list in pig Latin and binary.
45. Fuzzy dice.
46. Start each game with the national anthem.
47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.
--------------------------------------------------------------More Bashing of Thy 40K Universe:

1-Thou shalt not use thy lasgun to cook thy poptart.

2- Thou shalt not use grots as self replaceing bowling pins, it may offend thy orks.

3- Thou shalt not ask thy dark angels why they wear thy womens nighty's to battle.

4- Thou shalt not ask thy space wolves why thy have womens hair.

5- Thou shalt not use thy defiler to carve turkeys.

6- Thy impeirial radars are not to be used as barbacues.

7- Thy chaos marines have not replaced their heads with thy ones of goats.

8- Thy shant ask why Whirlwinds do not look like rhinos because the arcutect could not be botherd to make a new design.

9- Thine garments of thy farseers are not actuly dressing gowns.

10- Thy imperium can spell, it is not in thy spoken english language.

[Rasho]

Ti si bolesna osoba!!!